Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
