Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
