she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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