I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm gonna fight the coyote
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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