is your mom at the bar?
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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