hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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