Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
