Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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