i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Houston, we have a squirter
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
