mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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