Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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