When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
is wine microwaveable?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Randomize
