i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
