if you like me you must not know who I am
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
operation have a gay friend backfired
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
