I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
