The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Randomize
