hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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