I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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