I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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