You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
There was a lot of him and a little penis
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
