You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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