Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
