My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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