I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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