Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
