I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
