Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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