He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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