My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
