I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
