so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
