so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize