is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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