remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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