How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
