return my video game
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
