by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
