Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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