life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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