never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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