census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
