My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I can't trust your balls anymore.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
