Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize