I skipped work to stalk him.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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