Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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