I think i sorta joined a cult last night
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
