I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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