I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize