im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I think I won the penis lottery.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
