I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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