So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
