ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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