he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
