He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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