Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
My ass is underappreciated
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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