I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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