I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
