My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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